Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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