mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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