wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
As shirtless as possible
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
