you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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