i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
The air taste purple.
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