I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
