I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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