No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
