Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
