I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
