These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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