Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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