2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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