Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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