I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
