if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
