You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
