So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm like, not good at living.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
