my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
