so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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