Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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