You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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