The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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