there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
