it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I think my vagina is haunted
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
