I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
