Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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