my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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