fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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