I'm so fucking centered right now
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
