No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
