I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
