I faked an abortion last night.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
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When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
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So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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