i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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