god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
