she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
