I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
