kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
