my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
