accomplished twins. life is a go
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
