I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
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