Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
