Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
