Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
