my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
