She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
