o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
