Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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