uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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