i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
