I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize