She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
