I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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