all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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